Monday, October 3, 2016

4 years.

Last year, on the 3 year anniversary of the Very Bad Day (my brain tumor diagnosis) Dan took me hang-gliding and I flew through the air like a bird, my head in the clouds (literally) to celebrate three years of life and breath. This year, FOUR YEARS, it almost passed entirely without me realizing it. Progress? The day started out wonderfully -- it was the last day of my visit with a dear friend, and after school drop off we sipped organic coffee OUTSIDE in JEANS (a big deal here in Florida at the moment) in breezy, 70-something weather, catching each other up on last minute stories before she jumped on a plane home. A great way to start this day. It didn't cross my mind that it was October 3rd. THE day when everything changed. The day when my perfectly lovely autumn day on the upper west side with my 13 month old was turned upside. Later in the day today I realized the date and so I sent a text to Dan and my mom. That's it. But when evening fell, I felt my mood shift, completely subconsciously. A blanket of melancholy. In the days directly following my surgery, it was also harder at night. Not sure why. It was like I could hold it together in the sunlight  - there was hope in the sunlight - but the night would bring with it all the fears and the sadness and the yuck. There wasn't really fear today. I am feeling pretty good and healthy and positive these days for a lot of reasons. But sadness crept in, and still lingers, because the reality is is that my life changed drastically that day, we were all impacted and cracked wide open by it, and the memory of that is still painful and hard. I'd prefer to celebrate these anniversaries by doing something wild and daring like soaring through the clouds, feeling happy and alive, but sadness is a very real and unavoidable emotion that arises on this day, too, and that's okay. My body and brain are just remembering, that's all. So I am sitting with my sadness tonight, along with my memories of that beautiful but heartbreaking NYC Fall day, typing this to acknowledge and to process. But also holding space in my heart for awe and thankfulness for four years of health and progress (Dan reminded me today how far I have come, and while it's easy to forget, it is SO TRUE. Those of you were there in the days/weeks/months following my surgery know this to be true!). My prayer these days, especially tonight, is that God would use me and my story to bring encouragement and light somehow. And of course for lots and lots more good, healthy, joyous days, whether my heads in the clouds or not. 

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